My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
why is half of my head shaved?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize