last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
