He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
You left your phone here
Wait...
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
