I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
