I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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