I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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