I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
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