Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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