doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
