I think my vagina is haunted
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
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