3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
