for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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