So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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