I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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