Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
