Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Randomize
