She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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