I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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