I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
