note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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