So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
