Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
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