Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
