the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
