Dude my mom stole all your condoms
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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