Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
