Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
