I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
