Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
