I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
