Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
