Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize