I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
