i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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