I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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