nut hugger
actually, I'm a sock model
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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