20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize