Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
