he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
