my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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