Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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