First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize