My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize