I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
