Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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