I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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