but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
