Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
