Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
