it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
