This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
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