Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
