Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
