So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Randomize
