I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
