"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
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