...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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