Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
