I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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