Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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