you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
She needs sedatives and a leash
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
