my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
