i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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