Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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