I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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