her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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