Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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