i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
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