Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Randomize
