i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
