she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
