i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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