P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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