are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
You're like the curious george of whores
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
