your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I love having hate sex.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
